[ADAM:]
Look at this crib
In all of its glorious antiquary
Every curve and surface speaks to me
Saying pamper and spoil me
Sand me and oil me
Come on
I know to the untrained eye it’s boring
But nothing’s a chore when you’re restoring
Apart from frustration, pain, and financial drain
It’s fun!
Folks say “Adam
Why do you polish your crib when you don’t have a kid?
And even if you did have a kid,
This crib is too precious for placing a baby inside it
So it simply exists to remind you
Your sense of perfection is just a reflection that you are not mentally prepared to make room for a kid
Adam, why don’t you live?
Adam, just make a start”
Are you willing to take the next step?
Ready, set-
Ready, set-
[BARBARA, spoken:]
Look at these jugs!
[BARBARA, sung:]
Amazingly glazed and terracotta-ery
I took some clay and made you pottery
The world will never wreck you
I’ll protect you in a mother’s embrace
Folks say, “Barbara
Why can’t you see that ceramics is simply a manifestation of motherly panic
By making a baby that’s breakable
Aren’t you creating a way of translating the terror of making maternal mistakes into clay
Hiding away so you don’t have to face being a bad mom
Barbara
That’s what you’ve done, Barbara
Just make a start”
Are you willing to take the next step?
Ready, set-
[BOTH:]
Here we stand
At the end of a 10-year plan
A house
A yard
A minivan
A baby should be next
Together let’s leap off the cliff
Fall forever, then smash to bits
Trapped in a terrifying viper pit
Of diapers and regret
Are we willing to take the next step?
[ADAM:]
Ready, set-
[BARBARA:]
Ready, set-
[ADAM:]
Not yet
[BARBARA:]
Not yet
[ADAM:]
Why rush?
[BARBARA:]
Why rush?
[BOTH:]
Soon enough, our hopes and our dreams will be crushed
[BARBARA:]
But not yet!
[ADAM:]
But not yet!
[BARBARA:]
Not now
[ADAM:]
Not now
[*floorboard creaks*]
[ADAM, spoken:]
Ooohh?
[*floorboard creaks*]
[ADAM, spoken:]
No!
[*floorboard creaks*]
[ADAM, spoken:]
See?
We can’t start a family in a house with creaky floorboards
[BARBARA:]
You are absolutely right
Let’s add it to the list
With the cracks in the plaster
[ADAM:]
The wi-fi should be faster
[BARBARA:]
This sofa needs a castor
[ADAM:]
The bathroom’s a disaster!
[BARBARA:]
What about global poverty?
[ADAM:]
What about world peace?
[BARBARA:]
Then there’s the whole darn economy
[ADAM:]
The whole Middle East
[BARBARA:]
We should learn Mandarin
[ADAM:]
Yeah!
Or Spanish at least.
[BOTH:]
No habla español
Dos cervezas por favor
And that’s all we got
And that’s not a lot
Do we want a bilingual household or not?
So let’s go slow
No breaking a sweat
What’s the point of having children
If we’re drowning in debt?
[BARBARA:]
Now we’re totally
[ADAM:]
Completely
[BARBARA:]
Maybe eighty percent
[ADAM:]
I’d say seventy-eight
[BOTH (BETELGEUSE):]
Ready to take
The next step (Yeah! Yeah! Yeah Yeah!)
The next step (Zooby dooby dooby, dooby dop and bow!)
The next step (Zweeby, beeby, boo-bah-bah-dee!)
The next step
Ready, set let’s-
[BETELGEUSE:]
See I wasn’t kidding
It’s a show about death!